THE WOMEN IN BETWEEN

By A’isha Azar

The Women in Between is a continuing series about the lives of Arab women who are living in two cultures at the same time. The names of the people in the series have been changed, but the events related are all true.

Installment 2- Arranged Marriage

Wedad and Intisar look back at the experience of their marriages with awe, and perhaps a little bit of horror! It has only recently occurred to them that their marriages were very much arranged. In retrospect, it becomes clear that there was a definite plan on the part of their parents.

As Mr. and Mrs. Haddad became more and more worried about Intisar dating, and what the consequences of that might be, they began to feel the need to take action. They did not want to abandon their own culture and they also wanted to safeguard their daughters against an American culture that they felt was entirely too liberal. Unknown to the sisters at the time, their parents were in communication with their father’s brother. It was decided that Intisar would return to Jordan to meet with her cousin, Isam, hopefully with marriage as the result. Wedad points out that their parents were amazingly sure of an upcoming wedding. Intisar is still perplexed some eighteen years later about exactly how it happened. Wedad turns to her and says, “For God’s sakes, they sent you over there with the wedding dress AND his suit, complete wardrobes for both of us, AND presents enough for a king! They had it all planned!”

Wedad accompanied Intisar on her journey. This is not the ordinary situation since even among Christian Arabs, daughters are usually not sent off on a trip by themselves. (In fact, Wedad had never gone anywhere without the company of some member of her family until we persuaded… okay, nagged her husband into letting her go to California with me some years ago.)

The sisters, in looking back at their trip to Jordan and the resulting weddings, try to view things through the eyes of their parents. Intisar says, “I think Mom and Dad were very worried that something bad might happen before I got a chance to get married. Not because they thought I was a bad girl, but because the American culture seemed so dangerous to them. In our culture, nobody wants a girl who is not a virgin. They felt okay about sending us off alone because they thought the situation was an emergency.” Wedad adds, “We were going to relatives and that made them feel better about it, too. They also told me that if I happened to get married while I was over there, it would be okay. That’s exactly what happened, I fell in love with Isam’s brother.”

Intisar was in her early twenties and Wedad was just seventeen at the time of their double marriage. The ceremony took place shortly after they arrived and all met. The girls soon found themselves on the way back to America with their husbands.

It is not an uncommon practice among Arabs in America to send their children back home when they are going to be married. There is an arrangement made for two people to meet. Often the two candidates for marriage will be cousins. This is an arrangement found not only among Muslims, but among Christians as well. The girls’ sister in-law, Arwa, was sent back to Jordan to marry one cousin and ended up coming home with a different man than they had intended her to marry, and one of whom the family did not immediately approve. I asked her about this because I had heard the story second-hand. Arwa said that she and her original intended husband did not get a long well from the minute they met. She met her husband at a family party, fell in love and married him right away. She brought him back to America and he was not what the family had in mind, so there was some tension at first. He is from a family who is not traditionally close with the Haddads, but adjustments have been made and the family has come to like him very much.

This tradition is continuing into the next generation and Intisar and Wedad’s generation are now sending their children back to Jordan to get married. This is actually a satisfactory arrangement from the familial point of view. It accomplishes several goals. It keeps the family in touch with their culture back in the old country. It gives them a feeling of continuance with their heritage and roots, and it provides relatives back home with a chance to come to the United States and make a good life for themselves, which might not be possible in Jordan due to prejudices and economic issues.

Intisar was not lucky in her marriage and is divorced today. The decision to leave her husband was extremely painful, and the consequences for her have not always been positive. She has agonized over her choice and often been made to feel that she has not done the right thing. Even though her marriage was terrible and she suffered both physical and emotional abuse, her parents for many years urged her to stay married for the sake of the family honor and her children. She did so for seventeen years before finally saying that enough was enough. I have watched her cry her heart out because her parents and older brother would tell her she was doing the wrong thing. “ Take him back. The children need him. It will cause terrible relations between his family and us.” This was the constant message. She was also worried about being able to take care of the children financially, due to the fact that their father could not be relied on to pay his child support regularly. Intisar had set herself up in a business a year or so before she left Isam. She works very hard to take care of herself and her family. This woman is amazing to me. Through her own intelligence, perseverance and raw guts, she has accomplished so much. Wedad and I are so proud of her for doing what was right for herself and her kids in the face of some of the strongest opposition an Arab woman will ever confront; the disapproval of her parents, husband and brother.

The divorce has indeed escalated problems between the two families, but as Wedad says, they have been there since the day the girls married the brothers. “ We just did our best to ignore the hatefulness, but of course, it was always there. The divorce gave us all a chance to clear the air, and get the in-laws the hell out of our lives!” The sisters have cut ties with their in-laws since the bad feelings have only increased since the divorce. As Wedad has said, “In the Arab marriage, the divorce is between a lot of people and not just the man and woman. It affects the relationships of the whole extended family.” They have distant cousins who will not speak to one side of the family or the other because of loyalties and familial ties that have been severed due to divorce.

Intisar is much happier today, although her life is not easy. She works a very long day and has four children to raise. She knows in her heart that she made the right decision in leaving Isam. Her parents and brother have adjusted to the divorce and have recently acknowledged that her marriage was indeed a hideous situation from which she was justified in freeing herself. Isam has proved to be useless without her. He has lost his business since without her he was not capable of running it. He gambles constantly as he did during their marriage, and is now living with a girl with whom he was having an affair during the last years of the marriage. Her parents are now able to see what Intisar went through. She is raising her children with very little assistance from their father.

Fortunately the sisters are very close and have been there for each other. Sometimes it is hard to remember whose kids are who’s exactly, because they all seem to be one brood! Intisar and Wedad are close in a way that is seldom seen even in their native tradition. In the new country, they have a bond that is deeper than deep. It sustains them through adversity on both shores of the cultural divide.

ã A’isha Azar, 2001