THE WOMEN IN BETWEEN

By A’isha Azar

The Women in Between is a series about the lives of Arab women who are living between two cultures. Names have been changed, but all of the events related in this series are true.

Installment 4 – Mothers, Daughters and Daughters, Part 1

Intisar’s daughter, Jamila, is an exceptionally beautiful young woman, eighteen years of age. She has lived the life of any other American girl, going to school, making many friends, spending time hanging out at the mall and of course, dating. In some ways Jamila has had more freedom as a teen-ager than many of her peers.

The Haddad family adults have a definite understanding that the methods for raising children that worked in the Middle East will not work on children brought up in America. Yet, they are not exactly clear on what lines to draw and what is generally acceptable among Americans for guidance and discipline of their offspring. I think they often feel bewildered by the behavior of their teen-aged kids, especially in view of their own very strict upbringing. There is no set of rules on how to deal with these first generation Arab-Americans who are their children. All of the kids seem to be very aware of and take advantage of the parental dilemma. Their moms and dads and grandparents are trying very hard… if only they could figure out what was the right thing to do. The children are a cross-cultural perplexity for them.

Jamila has never had any problem speaking her mind and letting the entire family know exactly how she feels on any issue that concerns her right to do as she pleases. Her friends come from many ethnic and racial backgrounds. Some of them are not highly approved of by the family in general and her grandmother, Mrs. Haddad, in specific. Especially now; Jamila is dating a Muslim.

Her grandmother was raised a Christian girl in a country where Islam is the predominant religion. She grew up to marry a Christian minister, and like other Christians they suffered persecution because of their religious beliefs. Religious prejudice and inequality exists in Jordan in ways that are hard to comprehend for those of us who live in an environment where religious tolerance is at the very least given lip service.

According to Jamila’s grandfather, he has many times had to physically defend himself just because he is Christian. Added to this is the situation of Muslims are given preference in housing, land, employment, legally and in other ways. While he is quieter and more understanding about Jamila’s choice of boyfriends, his wife is very upset and very vocal.

She cries piteously and does not believe that Jamila could shame the family in this way. In Jordan, Mrs. Haddad says, many of their female relatives have been killed by their own families for going around with Muslim boys. Hardly any of the girls are left on the grandfather’s side of the family because of this terrible propensity for wanting to go out with Muslims. How could Jamila do this? She is bringing shame on the whole family with her thoughtlessness. Tehteh’s (Grandmother’s) feelings and fears are so overwhelming that she has actually become ill.

Jamila’s Uncle Daoud has tried to reason with her. He sees things completely from the point of view of his parents. He and Jamila end up in a shouting match. Daoud says to me, “She does this on purpose. Whoever she thinks we will be the most upset by, this is who she goes with. She knows how it affects my parents and she just doesn’t care. She should have more respect for the family. In Jordan she would never get away with this.”

Ah, but there’s the rub, I try to explain to Uncle Daoud. This is America. Jamila has been raised here and has never even been to Jordan. She cannot be expected to live by a set of standards that do not logically apply to her life or her environment. A rift between Christianity and Islam has no meaning in her personal life, any more than does making life decisions based only what the family desires. She is a thoroughly American girl and lives accordingly. Her grandmother lives by the old world ethics and morals of the collectivist and Jamila lives in the new world culture of the individual. How can these two women be expected to really understand each other’s viewpoints?

This is almost more than Daoud can deal with. He tells me that I don’t understand and that because Jamila is an Arab girl, the rules for her are different. I really make him mad this time by pointing out that obviously Jamila is not in agreement with his appraisal of her situation, that he should open his mind to her feelings, and if not, at least to the effects of her environment on her thinking. I tell him, “Jamila is not a bad girl, regardless of what you think you see. She is entitled to her own thoughts and feelings, and she can not live according to rules that don’t apply in her corner of the world.” Uncle Daoud gives me a look that I should be dead now, and he stalks off, shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Intisar finds herself tightly wedged between her mother and her daughter. These are two people that she loves so very much and both are quick to press upon her their own ideas of the issue without thinking of the feelings of the other. They are so alike in spite of their disagreement. Both are able to persuade Intisar of the validity of their cases. Mother is correct in saying that when the family back home in Jordan hears about this, they will think way less of the family here for letting Jamila go out with a Muslim. Daughter is also expressing a truth in saying that she sees no reason why she should care about what a lot of people she has never even met think of her. Intisar suffers as much as they do. She once again is trying to bridge the cultural chasm, watching this never-ending divide manifest in yet another form.

Anyway, who is this young man who is the center of so much fuss? Wedad and Intisar are aware that I know a lot of guys from the Gulf and from Saudi Arabia. Can I find out anything?

Yes. He is a member of a family that is close to the royal family in one of the countries of the United Arab Emirates. His family is wealthy and influential. He has a good reputation among the other students from the U.A.E. and he is considered to be honorable and nice. When I meet him, I think he is very nice also, and am charmed by his shyness.

Jamila is madly in love with this guy, and there are a lot of attractive fringe benefits. He has money. He lets her drive his way cool car, buys her expensive presents and lets her completely redecorate his apartment with his bucks. He is FUN! I believe he is crazy about her, too, and not “just using her” as some of the family suspect.

The current focused worry, (as opposed to the generalized worry of him being a Muslim), is that he has invited Jamila to go to the U.A.E with him for summer vacation. “I don’t think she realizes what it means”, says Intisar. “If she goes with him to meet his family all by herself, with no male member of our family with her, they will think she is a big slut. He has told Jamila that his family is very modern, but nobody over there is THAT modern. They will have no respect for our family or for her and it will be terrible. Or, they could decide they don’t want her to be with their son and just get rid of her. We would never know what happened to her and there would be no way for us to find out, especially if his family is powerful. Or maybe he will marry her and take her there to live and we will never get to see her. Maybe the family will treat her badly because he was supposed to marry someone else.” Consternation is written in heavy furrows on Intisar’s face. Suddenly she takes a breath and laughs through her tension. “ There are so many possibilities that I don’t know what to worry about first!” Can you see why I love these people?

All of us have tried to talk to Jamila about her relationship with him. It seems like neither of them is willing to look at the actual facts and are for now behaving as if they might actually get to spend their lives together.

Of course, this will not happen. Despite all the talk from Mr. U.A.E of taking Jamila home with him, when he leaves for the summer, he goes alone. He knows full well that he cannot travel back to his own country by himself with a woman to whom he is not related. She would immediately be treated as a second-class citizen from making such a journey with a man who was not her father, brother or husband. I have tried to help Intisar feel better by explaining that Jamila more than likely will not be marrying him. If his family is very important, then they have probably already picked out a wife for him, and because he is from a culture that flourishes in the satisfaction of the group, he will most probably abide by the his family’s wishes. I have had more than one occasion to discuss this issue with Arab men and women, and they agree that it is very rare to marry outside the culture. It happens, but not often.

Jamila waits for her boyfriend to return all during the summer. When he does come back, things are different between them. They are no longer close in the same way, and they are both in agony. He sometimes cries in front of her and is very depressed, but will not tell her what is going on. She is devastated and spends a lot of time in tears herself. He says they cannot be together, but it is clear that he can’t simply give her up, either. Perhaps his parents heard about the American girl from a relative or family friend who is also studying in the states. I tell Wedad and Intisar that I suspect he got married, or at least engaged, while he was at home.

The Muslim marriage is quite different from the typical American marriage. Often people get married on paper, in a legal ceremony, but do not have the wedding celebration or sexual consummation of the marriage for some time. The Muslim legal marriage could be compared to a sort of lawful engagement. I spoke to a Saudi friend about the details of such an arrangement. She told me that sometimes the legal ceremony where the marriage papers are signed can take place years before the wedding celebration and beginning of the couple’s life as man and wife. Marriage is always a secular ceremony and does not have any religious significance, as Christian weddings do. When I asked her what she thought about the situation with Jamila and her boyfriend, she said that she also thought it sounded like he probably got married and at least signed the papers, although he may not have had a wedding celebration and spent the night with his bride.

Meanwhile, Intisar watches her oldest daughter suffer the pain of a broken heart. She knows, like all mothers in these circumstances, that there is really nothing she can do to make things better.

ã A’isha Azar, 2001