THE WOMEN IN BETWEEN

By A’isha Azar

The Women in Between is a continuing series about the lives of Arab women who are living in two very different cultures. The names have been changed, but all of the events related in this series are true.

Installment 5- Mothers, Daughters and Daughters, Part 2

We are all worried about Saideh, Wedad’s only daughter. She is seventeen this year; lovely as she can be…..and slightly out of her mind. She has been dieting steadily for about two years now and has an absolutely gorgeous figure to go with her beautiful face, thick dark hair…roller coaster hormones and hair trigger emotions. She has begun to sufferer anxiety attacks, extreme ill temper and other signs of malnutrition. She rarely eats more than once a day and then not enough to keep the proverbial bird alive.

Wedad has worn herself to a frazzle trying to deal with Saideh in any rational way. The girl uses no discretion with her mother or just about anyone else. She can be the most intelligent, charming and loving person one minute and a raving banshee the next. She has been known to demand very loudly in public, “Mom, why can’t you leave me the f--- alone. Get off my case and mind your own business!” Her mother, instead of sinking into the floor and dying of embarrassment, as she would like to do, patiently and once again responds, “You are my daughter, You ARE my business, and PLEASE for the thousandth time, don’t use language like that in places where everyone can hear you.”

Then there is Saideh’s love life. She never likes a guy a little bit. She is always vividly, madly in love. She will defy her whole family to do just about anything to please whoever is the object of her affections. Anything, that is, except surrender her virginity. This decision is making her life even more of a hell. She has been involved with the same guy for some time now. It is a very stormy, on-again-off-again relationship. She is volatile. He plays with her emotions and she responds all too intensely to everything. Her moods go from black to sunny to bleak, based completely on how she is feeling about this guy.

Wedad does not like him. He does not come to the house to pick up Saideh when they go out. He does not respect her and treat her like a lady. Her mother has overheard him on the phone telling her not to tell her parents where she is going. Wedad does not have a favorable impression of him and why should she? Between the violent mood swings and Saideh’s intense feelings for a guy that Wedad thinks is a jerk, she is scrambling in her own mind for a safe and hasty solution to the problem of being the mother of a teen-aged werewolf disguised as a daughter.

We are talking on the phone. Wedad fills me in on the latest altercation between herself and Saideh and then says, “You know, sometimes I think I should just get a couple of plane tickets for both of us to go to Jordan. I could get her married so fast. She’s beautiful, she’s got a great personality when she is not acting crazy, and a lot of guys back home are just dying to get married to one of the girls in America so they can come here. My cousin Raniyeh’s daughter has just come back. They found her a guy who is a doctor.”

In my quite overly vivid imagination, I can just see Saideh and Wedad standing in the airport in Amman, Saideh yelling, “Back the f--- off, Mom. Quit always trying to run my life. I hate all these Arab a—holes. I am not getting married in this f---ing country”, etc. etc. etc. and I see Wedad saying patiently and once again, “Please don’t use that language in places where everyone can hear you.”

I respond doubtfully to her suggestion that they go back home for a husband. “Geez, Wedad, have you thought about this a lot?” Yes she has. It would solve so many problems. First, even though the whole virgin thing might not be the end all and be all of everything, Wedad is still attached enough to the idea that she would sort of like Saideh to remain in pristine shape until her wedding night. If they went to Jordan and married her off, that little issue would be solved. She thinks it might also do something to get the hormonal problem under control so that this woman-child does not drive us all crazy anymore.

Wedad explains that over in Jordan, there are many very well educated men who can not find jobs, and they happily marry Arab-American girls to get over here and live in the States. “You can’t believe how good looking a lot of these guys are, either. They have everything; looks, an education, a chance at a great future. They could sure offer her more than this creep she’s seeing right now. And she would probably go for it once we got over there and she saw how good looking some of them are.”

I can’t quite believe its that simple. I say, “Wedad, look what happened in your own life because your parents arranged a marriage for you.” She has often regretted her marriage at the very young age of seventeen, but has stayed in her relationship thus far, for various reasons. Her reply is that even if Saideh isn’t going to stay with the guy, it could be a temporary marriage to get her over this rough spot she is going through.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. All I can think is to move the subject in another direction. I say, “Oh, my God, Wedad! I am so shocked that you would even consider putting some poor unsuspecting guy through the torture of dealing with her, with no warning!”

She thinks about this for a minute and then says, “ Well, really, he’s probably going to just be a big pain in the ass anyway, since he won’t be able to work in America until he passes the tests, no matter what his professional qualifications are in Jordan. He could be a doctor, a lawyer or anything, but he’ll go back to school if he wants to work here.

She pauses for a few more seconds of introspection before adding, “And of course, WE will have to support him and his grouchy wife while he’s in school. I have seen it happen over and over again. My sister-in-law’s husband has been going to pharmacy school for who knows how long. My uncle had to get his physician’s license all over again. My cousin’s daughter who just married; they are supporting them until he gets his physician’s degree here.” She continues on less slippery ground, “ And then, probably as soon as Saideh’s wonderful husband gets the degree and a good job, he will fall in love with some blonde who works in his office and that bimbo will get all the benefits of MY hard work, instead of my daughter. Never mind. She can marry the stupid guy she is going out with as long as they don’t try to live in MY house!”

All’s well that ends well, at least for the time being!

ã A’isha Azar, 2001