THE WOMEN IN BETWEEN
By A’isha Azar
The Women In Between is a series written for Dance Craft about Arab women living in two cultures at the same time. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, but all events reported in this series are true.
Installment 7- Girl Party
Wedad has met a woman through her interpreter job that she wants to introduce to our circle of women, so it must be time for a Girl Party! This is my pet name for the haflas that we have. We find many reasons to get together at each other’s houses, or at restaurants where we can just enjoy hanging around and sharing the company of the women that we are so fortunate to have in our lives.
Wedad’s new
acquaintance is from
First on our do list is to inform Wedad’s husband that he will need to find a home away from home for an evening, since the Saudi ladies will not expect to find a man around the house. This is in deference to the Muslim tradition of separation of the sexes. Wedad’s husband is usually very gracious about it, although he is a Christian, and he accepts with calm the news that he will not be welcome in his own home for five or six hours.
All Arab party decisions are made by committee. It takes us a week and half just to decide what evening will work, because everyone must be notified, schedules checked, families informed, etc. The decisions about food are also complicated… should we do a dinner or should we do snacks? Of course, all of the Muslim rules of cuisine must be followed; no pork, only kosher dairy products, no alcohol. Wedad and I debate the food issue. I want this to be an easy and fun party for everyone and so does she, but, at the same time, there are new people coming that she has never entertained. Arab hospitality dictates that she must make a special effort and do more than just the easy thing. “Wedad, I say”, “Can’t we just take it easy? You shouldn’t have to work your fingers to the bone all day.”
“Yah, but you know”, she replies, “since we’re doing it at my house, I have to make a more special effort. It is polite for me to do more.” I mutter about it and we meet half way between dinner and snacks. This translates into a feast with hors d'oeuvres, salad, chicken with rice, several sauces, spanakopita and any number of other good things to eat, including several desserts….. for about 10 grown-ups and the kids. Wedad, her sister Intisar and our friend Nadra and I will all bring contributions, but Wedad will end up doing the majority of the work.
On the big evening, I arrive early. Nadra and several others of our friends show up to help, too. When things are in good order, we sit in the living room and chat. We are all looking forward to meeting the “new girl”.
At our haflas, we all are very comfortable with each other and we mostly talk about our personal lives. This is the main topic at Girl Parties. We don’t talk about the news or philosophical ideas, or anything else outside our personal realm. How does Nadra like her new job? How is Wedad’s mother feeling? Does she maange to do all right in spite of regular chemotherapy treatments for cancer? Is it in total remission? We are all amazed that she has kept every bit of her hair! Is everything going well with Intisar’s business? Has she found the employee who was stealing from her? Does anybody know if a certain cousin will leave her husband now that she has graduated with a degree? And how is Cousin so and so doing with the new husband she just brought back from Jordan?
We are all extremely curious to meet Wedad’s friend. Her name is Mirnan. We have heard she just came here and that her husband is being very strict in spite of the fact that he has lived in America many years himself. He does not want her to go to English school, learn how to drive, walk out of the house when he is not at home ( and he is not at home very much), or in general learn to be Americanized. It is a bit of a puzzle to us since he took American citizenship long ago. We ask Wedad what she knows.
“Well”, she says,” I know this girl has guts and that she really wants to continue her education and learn English and everything. She is not afraid to stand up to him when she really needs to.” How did she meet her husband, we ask, since he lives here and she has been in Saudi Arabia? It turns out her mother shared a hospital room with his and Mirnan would talk with her when she went to visit her own mother. Mirnan’s husband, Mohammed, is twice divorced, once from an American and once from a Saudi, and was in the market for a new wife. He called his mother and she immediately thought of Mirnan. They were introduced….and married nine days later!
We are all aghast. Nadra, who is Saudi, explains that Saudi women do not usually jump into marriage so quickly with a stranger. Even if they do not know each other well, perspective spouses will have at least heard a lot about each other through the grapevine of information that is the lifeline of Saudi communication. Usually two people would have learned a lot about each other from various family members and friends. There is a quite solid network of information that ravels in all directions and delivers the dish quite nicely. Cousins marriages are frequent and some people have been betrothed since early ages, and have often grown up with each other. Of course, this is not always the case, but marriage does not usually take place between two people who are such total strangers as Mirnan and Mohammed.
We speculate on why Mirnan might have married a man that she knows nothing about who lives thousands of miles away from her social support system. Wedad tells us Mirnan thought he was nice and it sounded exciting to her, to come to America to finish her education. And he can support her because he has a good job. Right now, Nadra explains, the job market is very tight in Saudi Arabia.
Did it not bother her, we wonder, that he has been married twice already?? Wedad has no explanation for how Mirnan justifies this to herself.
When she arrives, Mirnan is wearing hijab, the head covering, and very modest clothing, along with a jacket. Wedad goes out to greet her and to assure her husband that she will be fine. The Saudi girls grumble that he would make her cover up in this heat. They are even more disgusted later when they find out she is pregnant! When she comes into the house, we are all relieved to see that she is wearing a sleeveless tunic under her jacket.
Mirnan is animated and thrilled to be in a whole room full of people with whom she can actually talk! I am one of two people here who do not speak Arabic, and I am often not sure exactly what is being said. If it gets really exciting sounding, or if I am curious because I am able to pick up a general gist from my very limited Arabic, then I ask what is going on and someone interprets for me. Wedad is usually great about translating as we go along, both for me and for the girl who does not speak English if she wants to direct a question or comment to those who do not speak the language. I have never had too much of a problem being with people who speak a language that I don’t understand. I have spent much of my life with people from foreign countries, including my own grandparents, so it just doesn’t bother me the way it does some other people.
We eat, drink, talk and are merry. We learn a lot about each other. When I first started spending time in the company of Arab women, I was simply amazed at how much of their talk in private is filled with sexual innuendo, and how very personal they can get about it! Often they are far less puritanical than most American women in discussing the “details”, even in front of their children. In spite of the fact that we hear so much about sexual repression, these women in some ways seem more free and honest abut their own sexuality than women from some other cultures, including my own.
Once the party is over and our guests have all gone home, Wedad, Intisar , Mrs. Haddad and I remain. We clean up and settle in for a good chat. As Wedad says, “The real party starts after everybody else leaves!!”
“So”, I say, “Tell me”. We all laugh. We are such incredible gossips.
Intisar says, “When we were in the kitchen with Mirnan I asked her how HE is in bed.”
I am astounded and highly amused. “How can you ask her that! You just got to know her tonight!”
Wedad says, “If you don’t ask, you will never know”. I have watched her in action before and I am always fascinated by the fact that she will bluntly ask people almost anything.. . and they will tell her what she wants to know! Her mom and I are dying to hear all about it. So…what did she say?
Wedad replies that Mirnan said she doesn’t know much about that stuff and doesn’t know whether he is good in bed or not. We are all well aware of the Muslim taboo against sex before marriage. The law is very strictly enforced. People who are not married and get caught having sex are beaten severely and publicly. People who are married are put to death for having sex with anyone but their spouse. (Or at least this is the law, though often it is not carried out since the price for infractions is so high. Many people keep very quiet about such goings on.)l We know that Mirnan is not kidding when she says she doesn’t know much about sex. As with most (though not al) Muslim girls, her only sexual contact has been with her husband.
Wedad reports, “Well, I said to her, ‘Does he make you want to scream’ Mirnan said she is not sure what I mean. So I sad, “Does he make you want to go ‘Oh Mohammed, OH MOHAMMED, OOOHHHMMMOOOHHHAAAMMMMMMEEEDDD!!!!!!!! She looked at me like I was crazy!”
After a moment I say, “Well, maybe there was a communication gap due to language difficulties.” What do I mean, they ask. “Well, maybe Arab girls don’t say “ OOOHHHH”, when they are having an orgasm….. Maybe they say something more like, “KKKKHHHHOOOO”, instead. We laugh like mad and have fun with this for awhile. I add, “You know if you are in a hotel room and hear ‘KKKHHHOOO” coming from the room next door that there is an Arab girl in there.”
We all giggle and nobody says anything for a second, then Wedad fills the silence. “Well, only if there is an American guy in there with her!” We collapse in peals of laughter over this one. Much of the sexual humor among Arab women is directed at the ineptitude of Arab men.
We often ponder who might be good in bed and who not.
I ask Wedad, “Why didn’t you just ask her if she ever has orgasms?” Wedad says that she does not know the word in Arabic. We all look expectantly at Mrs. Haddad.
She responds, “Well, you know, its ”el lutha” in Jordanian Arabic, but I don’t know for Saudis. I don’t usually talk about things like this, but I suppose you should know the word.” So….next time we will know!
*You may notice that there was no dancing at this party. Sometimes we dance and sometimes we don’t. This particular night we did not dance or even turn on music.